Sexless Marriage? 15 Ways To Have Better (And More) Sex

The Huffington Post Canada | By Arti Patel

Posted: 04/21/2014 9:39 pm EDT Updated: 04/22/2014 10:59 am EDT

First comes love, then comes marriage, and then for some, next comes an unexpectedly sexless relationship.

Sex is something couples constantly think about, but when two people are faced with a dull or sexless love life, it can be easier to start focusing on things that irritate them about their partners, rather than trying to solve the problem.

“Typically couples lose the physical part when their emotional connection to each other falters,” says Colin Christopher, clinical hypnotherapist and author based in Edmonton. “They focus on what they dislike about their partner and feelings of resentment accumulate and their emotional connection fades. I’ve seen it happen with couples that have been only married for six months, and I’ve seen it with couples that have been married for 25 years and in between.”

While sex is always great at the beginning of any relationship, factors like stress, money, work and children start taking priority in people’s lives. While sex is an emotional connection shared by two people, busy couples start thinking less about themselves and instead about all the other things around them. Other factors like watching too much TV, having too much pressure to perform or not getting enough sleep are all things that contribute to a sexless marriage.

Christopher adds kids are almost always a huge reason couples lose the physical side of their relationship. When things like alone time, extra spending money and body confidence become scarce, people are more likely to shut each other out and not have sex.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. If you’re willing to put the effort back into the intimate side of your relationship, there are easy changes you can make to go back to your honeymoon phase. Here are Christopher’s 15 best tips on how to get sexy time back:

1. Reminisce On The Good Times

It wasn’t always like this. There was a time in your relationship where you remember having a lot of (good) sex. Clinical hypnotherapist Colin Christopher says in order to get that back, you could create an environment in your bedroom, for example, that reminds you of good sex. Post up photos from your honeymoon or post erotic art on your wall.

2. Get Some Alone Time

Christopher says sex becomes dull because couples get tired of one another. Remember how exciting it used to feel when you saw your partner after a week or two? Relive those days by spending some time alone or taking a mini-vacations without your partner. That time apart will make you miss your partner and the sex that follows will be amazing.

3. Picture Yourself Having Sex

Spend five to 10 minutes a day picturing yourself having great sex with your partner. Think about the sounds, sights, smells and how you feel during sex. “Many people focus on the physical aspects of sex and ignore the fact that sex can be a mentally and emotionally stimulating experience, and the more you prepare mentally the more amazing the physical becomes,” he says.

4. Clear Your Head

If you’re thinking about going to work or paying the bills during sex, you’re not having good sex. Clear your head before you get to bed: de-stress from your work and personal life and use this time to focus on your partner.

5. Change The Time You Have Sex

When sex becomes a routine, try switching up the times. If you have sex at night, try morning sex and vice-versa. On weekends, have sex in the afternoon, before or after lunch or before you go out at night.

6. Renew Your Vows

Another way to spice things up in a sexless marriage is renewing your vows and taking another honeymoon. “Reliving an amazing event where you became committed to each other is a great way to rekindle the old flames,” Christopher says.

7. Change Up Your Look

Try a new hair colour or a new type of facial hair. When you feel like a new person, sex becomes more exciting for you and your partner.

8. Put On Something Your Partner Will Love

Maybe it’s a little black dress or a something simple like a white tee. Whatever it is, putting on something your partner loves will make things a lot more exciting. And if you do notice your partner wearing something you like, compliment them!

9. Do Something Scary

Get your adrenaline running by doing something incredibly stupid or scary. “My favourite recommendation is skydiving. When you’re both sharing an experience that is exhilarating and causes you fear, you can bond on an emotional level and that in turn can be channelled into better exciting sex.” If you’re not up for jumping out of a plane, just snuggle up on the couch and watch a scary movie.

10. Remember, Go Easy

Things take time. If you and your partner are lacking in the sack department, remember: it will take time for things to pick up again. Blaming one another will only lead to anger and resentment, so instead, encourage each other and don’t give up.

11. Write A Love Letter

In the age of social media and email, there’s nothing more romantic than sending your partner a hand-written letter. No really, just pour it all out and leave it in their work bag or in their car. If you’re having trouble figuring out what to say, talk about sex appeal, your favourite qualities or remind him/her of your favourite dates.

12. Touch The Right Spots

Have your partner lie down on his or her stomach naked. Start massaging from the head and work down to his or her feet. “A relaxed body allows for better blood flow to the extremities which can lead to a stronger erection for men and increased sensations for women,” Christopher says. To make things extra sexy, try dirty talk or a massage oil.

13. Don’t Just Focus On Sex

In most cases, not having sex has a lot to do with two people losing emotional connections. “Engage in other activities that allow you precious time with your partner and strengthen emotional bonds. The tighter the emotional bonds the better sex will be.” Spend time cooking a meal together or going out for a run.

14. Don’t Just Have Sex In Your Bedroom

More sex also means switching up locations. And no, we’re not talking about having sex outside or in a public bathroom, but think about spots around your home. Have sex in the kitchen, try a new sexy toy or try other positions outside of the bedroom.

15. Communication

The secret to any long-lasting relationship is being comfortable talking about the good and bad. If sex is the issue, make sure your partner knows.